Love isn't meant for me

Love isn’t meant for me, at least months ago that’s what I had thought. Everyone seemed to have someone, that one person they shared a connection with. “My person.” A friend or more so a lover that prioritizes them.

I had no one special. Not even a ‘special friend' whom I could share the depths of my pain with. Just me and a million thoughts. I had my world inside of me.

Life pulled at me, threads from every angle, knitting me into an endless seam. Home should have been my serenity harbor but the ceaseless contentions and patriarchy reminded me more of my struggles. My mind often drifted off into imaginations of a more fulfilling life and sometimes I could spend hours in it, navigating around trying to fit in but it ended as soon as life occurred again. Nothing seemed to work.

Then I found myself yearning for a long-lost love, someone I once thought will never leave me; with tears warm against my pillow each night wondering if the feeling will ever come to an end. Being heartbroken seemed more fulfilling, at least I had an excuse for being solemn.

It was temporary though.

A lot started to happen in the world with people dying each day from the covetousness and greed of others. Every day had a story in it that took off my own emotions, replacing them with a rush of outrage that didn't seem too sublime. People my age got overwhelmed with the pressure to grow up hastily and pulled themselves into the cobwebs of monstrosity and violence. They all wanted a voice.

I hated the world.

I didn’t want to be part of it. I didn’t ask to be here and I didn’t want it.

And that thought invaded my mind every day until it overwhelmed me and caught me on the dark web. A web with multiple strings pulled at me on every side until my mind found its way to its center. A battle struck within me, one without a sword to fight or armor to shield me.

Suicide.

No matter how I tried to see things positively, the web of depression entangled me with no way of escape. Hope had walked out on me.

The only thing that restrained me were the words I had known all my life; If I commit suicide I would go to hell. My mother's voice set an incessant alarm in my head. I didn't want to go to hell. Life became survival for me; getting past each day was all I sought for. I would be on a bike, silently wishing a car would hit me and I would be gone. Or, be crossing the road nonchalantly, hoping I would get lucky.

At least, it won’t be suicide. The bike man is just careless, people would understand and blame him.

Series of emotions bottled up inside of me with no one to share them with.

Although, a bottle can only take so much and it came spilling, without warning. My feet and fears suddenly aligned, taking me to where my heart might find peace.

Church.

A place I once found solace in.

I found myself sitting not very far from the pulpit; my eyes wandered around, taking in souls so lost in worship. My mouth couldn’t form the words and my heart grew heavier knowing I was once like that. The worship ended and a slight panic crept up inside me because nothing had changed in me. The peace I desperately craved wasn’t coming and time went by fast.

The preaching started. I held onto every word coming out from the strikingly beautiful, poised woman hoping somehow that my heart would find something. Something to leave with.

Her words came out softly.

The HolySpirit.

She spoke about him. Of course, I knew about him already because at a point in my life God was all I knew until my heart got tangled up with the cares of the world. What I thought was reality choked me.

I got lost.

“He is your helper,” she spoke out. My helper. Those words reverberated in my head until the service ended. My helper.

“And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor—Counsellor, Strengthener, Standby), to be with you forever.”

‭‭John‬ ‭14:16‬ ‭AMP‬‬.

I stared at those words on the screen, mulling over them. All this while I had been searching desperately for what, who, was right inside of me. A helper. A comforter. A special friend.

My fears slowly washed away. It didn’t go completely but I was intrigued to start a new relationship. A relationship with someone who was sent to help me. Someone who will never leave me. My person.

The word of God became my reality as the HolySpirit poured the love of the Father into my heart, stilling me…I felt loved. Tears smeared my eyes, threatening to fall. My hands wrapped around me. I knew I had found something...someone.

Someone special.

And peace finally flooded my heart.

Further charge

Many are searching for something or someone who will fill a void in their heart. Some just want to get away from their thoughts and emotions. The truth is nothing or no one can fill God's place no matter how they try. The HolySpirit was sent to help you through it. God's gift to you. He's your comforter. A friend. A lover. You're not alone, if only you would reach out and say those few words to him. He listens well. Nothing and no one can take God's place in your heart no matter how they try. His place in your heart was reserved for him and him alone before you were born and you're complete only in him.