I still believe in God

The year is wrapping up so quickly. Everyone is already making plans on having a retreat towards 2023 but I find myself continually slipping in and out of fear and anxiety about the future. Since this month started, I have been doing a lot of reflections; looking back at the year and comparing it to how I started it. Without realizing it, I slipped quickly into a depressed state for weeks. I couldn't pray. I struggled with my faith a lot this year and for most part of the year, I fought for my faith. I remember having words at the beginning of 2022 and to some extent God already told me things that would unfold. But, staring at those words made me feel like I had not done much. I got frustrated with myself and got stuck at the thought of not having not made any progress. I got stuck in that space. So, for weeks I had no strength for spiritual activities. I prayed whenever I could but that was it.

My commitment to God dwindled.

I went for a meeting that I had spent time organizing - it was a worship/journaling meeting. God placed it in my heart a month ago, so I spent time planning the program with a team of people. Of course, we prayed about the event, so I was praying but that was it. My heart was still far from fellowship.

During the journaling session, one of the team members led us on 'how to journal', then we had a practical session. She told us to bring out our notes and have a conversation with God. I couldn't remember the last time I had that, so for the first few minutes, I hesitated. I watched everyone as they journaled. Eventually, I brought out my phone and opened my note.

Father, I have a lot I haven't said to you, so much worries. Many times I get anxious, a lot of times actually. I know you've held me still all this while because I still don't know how I'm standing. Yes, I'm going back and forth. I feel ashamed at where I am because I ought to have advanced more than -

Right before I could complete my sentence, I heard a loud "Who told you so? Who said you haven't made any progress? I never said that to you." Of course, I felt turmoil on the inside of me. I paused. Then He continued, "That's why I even sent my son to you!" Then, a picture of my spiritual father flashed across my mind. I remembered the very moment God was referring to. It happened a month ago. My church hosted the largest worship event in Ile-Ife (Finest worship) and that meant a lot of work. I served in a team that allowed me the privilege to protocol my pastors. After the program, while serving I came in contact with my spiritual father. I wasn't really expecting that moment because normally, he wasn't supposed to pass that route. I saw him coming towards me and I froze. I froze because I didn't know what to do. It was a mixture of shock, glory, awe, honor, and everything else. I mean, I look up to him so much and here he was coming towards me. My mind was spiraling. This is not really happening. He was wearing the brightest smile ever. He stretched forth his hands to shake me. Then he said these words, "Well done, you did well." (nodding his head) He said a few other words. But God was reminding me of that very word when He meant I sent my son to you.

It was me telling you, you did well. By the way, who measures progress? It's Me. I'm the one who measures progress, not you or anyone. So, stop comparing yourself to people. Progress is measured by Me. The reason why you're stuck right now is because you dwelled in this space of thinking you haven't made any progress while all the while I was saying you did well.

This was a shocking revelation to me because all the while I had stayed stuck in this space when I could have just gone to God from the start, instead of concluding by myself. The HolySpirit decided to do a quick replay of the year before me. I was instantly grateful to God. I am grateful for a lot of things but the top of the list is that I didn't lose my faith in God. I still believe in God. This year has shown me that no matter what, I still believe. I will still lift up my hands and worship God even if everything around me is crumbling. I will still remain at His feet, worshipping. That's my growth. That's stability in my faith.

Do not consult yourself or the growth of others in determining your progress. Only God can decide if you made progress or not. The yardstick of progress is not yours to measure. Do not let the devil distract you from moving ahead by deceiving you that you haven't made any progress.